Marriage

Choosing a spouse Islamically.

Guidelines:

#1 Deen – walk into marriage with a sense of direction, using Islam as your foundation. Remember that Aqeeda is primary then practice. Don’t compromise or you’ll live to regret it.

#2 Akhlaq – what will still be there when the looks fail.

  • Look for someone that will be supportive of your Halaal goals.
  • Choose compatibility over looks / age / other material gunk. Don’t make the irrational trade of your life over a pretty face, a fancy car, or the other superficial fluff that can easily go up in smoke.
  • Aim for someone a tad more spiritual than you.
  • Don’t settle on low standards – instead, set them realistically high. Draw up a list of your must-haves and bonuses. Allah finds that companion for you, so don’t look too hard. Pray hard.
  • Don’t look for a hero(ine) to ‘save’ you. A spouse should add to an already good life. Fix yourself, get your priorities in order, get up for fajr. Don’t marry so you can have someone to be your alarm clock. You’re suppose to share happiness with your spouse not misery.
  • Know that relationships with the opposite sex, apart from being Haraam, also rocks the marriage boat – be it ‘just-a-colleague’, ‘just-a-friend’, cousin, so-and-so’s-wifey-or-hubby. Understand who you’re allowed to interact with in terms of the opposite gender.
  • Emulate what you want. To attain greatness, you must be worthy of it.
  • Watch, read, listen…do your homework on your obligations and rights as a husband / wife.
  • Educate yourself on ‘the wedding night’. Yes, you must.
  • Marriage makes the family circle bigger, so it would be a logical step to meet with and (for the least part) like your potential extended family.
  • Don’t just look for a spouse, look for a best friend.

How to get hooked up?

  • Ask someone that knows someone! Good leads would be a Shaykh, Mu’alima, teacher, trusted family members, friends, newspapers ads, the animal kingdom etc. Make it known that you’re in the market and are currently accepting applications.
  • Flush your fear of rejection down the loo and keep your eyes sharp like an eagle’s. Allah may only allow him or her to cross your path once, so think of it as now or never, all or nothing, win or lose, chicken or beef, fight over flight!

Please note that a 3rd party needs to be present in meeting your potential spouse.

Nature of Marriage in Islam:

ۚ هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَّكُمْ وَأَنتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَّهُنَّ

Al Baqarah 2:187

“They are a garment for you and you are a garment to them”

Clothing is the primary method through which humans beautify themselves. Without clothing, one is incomplete and naked. Similarly, spouses beautify and complete one another; when a person is not married, he or she is not yet complete and has not reached his or her full potential. Marriage is an essential part of being fully human, just like clothes are an essential part of being fully civilized.

Any foundation that is not founded on the Taqwa of Allah and that which will get us closer to Allah might as well not exist.

Primary

I. Companionship (No brainer)

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

Ar Rum 30:21

And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.

i) Sukoon – no movement; nor my eyes, heart or mind will move after marriage – Harmony

ii) Mawaddah – affection which comes with respect – Love

iii) Rahmah – loving the person continuously even when they don’t deserve it – Mercy

To better understand this concept, I suggest reading Marriage – making it and living it.

Secondary

I. Procreation (Continuing the legacy of Prophet Muhammad sal Allahu alayhi wasallam)

Tertiary

I. Physical pleasure – by fulfilling your desires in a halaal way, you get rewarded in this world and the next. A win-win situation (;

II. To unite people – two families should join forces to build a cornerstone in society.

Compatibility Test:

Topics of discussion on the first meeting:

1. Religion – Use your spidery senses and assess your potential spouse’s spiritual levels.
2. Discuss thoughts on balancing religion, family, friends, couple, work and alone-time.
3. Finance – Ladies! Repeat after me: My money is my money, his money is our money! – and discuss your individual maintenance costs to gain a clearer perspective of needs & desires.
4. Children. Yes, no, maybe? How soon and how would they be raised (nanny, home/public schooling, etc)? Adoption?
5. Discuss how you wish to increase your Islamic education together.
6. Plans for future – discuss your long and short term goals for the next 5-10 years.
7. Be open about your good and bad habits. Video game addict, fitness fanatic, sephora-holic, insomnia etc.
8. Health. Now would be the ideal time to mention if you have health complications. Discuss any diseases, defects and conditions you have. Be honest about infertility if you know you are infertile! Don’t make him/her marry you and then decide to tell him after 7 years of trying!
9. Relationship expectations? With in-laws and extended family?
10. Living arrangements? VIVA DUBAI or move overseas? With in-laws :/ or own place?
11. Polygamy needs to be discussed – do not shy away. And sisters, fear Allah regarding this halal matter. Don’t ditch a good looking amazing pious muslim guy just because he’s open to the idea of polygamy.
12. Ultimate vision for your family (children to be doctors, billionaires, mujahids, dj, daiee or just inherit baba’s assets?)
13. Temperament. What will you live with for the rest of your life?

Remember:

Forget falling in love, instead, grow in love. That is far better because falling is never a good thing.

Don’t lie to yourself. When there’s something not right, it actually means that something is not right. If it’s too good to be true, then it probably is.

Put your Private Investigator hats on and do your research. Inquire about him/her through friends, teachers, colleagues, the community. Do a background check before you agree to anything.

Don’t marry someone you think you can change. Because (even if you can) it’s going to be a very very unpleasant and miserable journey.

Don’t marry anyone who you can’t admire. – Admire here refers to character, not shape.

A sharp mind is an asset. A sharp tongue is a liability.

Give to get. Because only empty hands can hold.

Is it your duty to take care of your mother in-law? No. Not at all. Absolutely not. It is not your duty. You can totally refuse to take care of her. But it’s also your husband’s right to take another wife.

Money is important. But Rizq is fixed.

Gentlemen, please have a purpose and direction in your life. Today’s men are still in the backstreet boys zone from being overly pampered by their moms. Don’t expect your wife to be a maid nor your mother. And realize that girl power is for the spice girls. Women are meant to be provided for by their men, and not vice versa.

Ladies, men generally want a wife that is good looking. Guys, read the following carefully – Women too. Not necessarily looking like a model, but one that cares about his/her physical appearance. And a good cook – so girls, start helping mama out in the kitchen.

“A man will learn to love a woman he is attracted to and a woman will learn to find attractive whom she loves” Let’s just say Confucius said this one. He’s the default guy right.

Good YouTube watches:

Beautify yourself for your spouse
A Faithful Promise
The Healthy Marriage
Boys & Girls – A Love Story

Modified version of Marry Me, Islamically. May Allah reward the author.

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