Marriage

Advice for sisters with unsatisfying intimacy in their marriage

Question: Salaam alaykom wa rahmatullah,

How can a wife speak to her husband about her dissatisfaction in their marital relations? He is an amazing husband but the only thing is that he does not know how to please his wife and he is always so busy working and therefore approaches her once in every 1 to 2 weeks and it is a big issue for her as she has a strong urge for intimacy. She falls into sin because of this and she hates it. She does not want to hurt his feelings but he is hurting hers and causing her destruction due to the sin she commits. I hope that this issue would be talked about more by the imams and mashaaikh, everyone has something to say about the curse on the wife for not fulfilling the rights of the husband but very little to say about the husbands who fail to fulfill the rights of the wife.

Answer:

Wa ‘alaykum as-salaam,

Firstly, a sister needs to be open and honest about her feelings she has in this regard. However hikmah needs to be shown here, so speaking to him when he’s in a light mood and his mind is free, not when he is stressed out, tired, or has just come through the door.

Secondly, if/when a woman desires intimacy, she just has use the right technique and approach him using the powers of seduction that she knows works best for her husband. Every man is different in what excites him, but generally speaking, its what pleases the eyes that men usually fall for, hence why women are ordered to cover up and men are ordered to lower their gaze. As Allaah knows that men get excited by what they see, so a intelligent woman needs to realise this. Also, a soft touch, a sweet tone, romantic words. Every man loves a woman who is sensible but has a pinch of naughtiness in her. If you know what a man desires then use this to excite his desires and if he avoids freemixing, he will fall easily.

Thirdly, yes da’ees need to talk about this, I have posted something up in my other blog about this. Ok read this for more info: http://ibnutaymiyyah.wordpress.com/2013/07/01/the-harm-of-avoiding-sexual-relations-with-ones-wife/. SO scholars of the past have spoken about it, but I guess stuff like this^ needs to b pushed out over the net more iA.

Fourthly, I guess men need to realise that women also have desires as they do. I’ve wrote about this in an article not too long ago. Read points 9, 14, 15 & 16 (although mainly discussed in point 15) in this article: http://theauthenticbase.wordpress.com/2013/04/25/concise-advice-to-husbands/. So yes more awareness needs to be given to such a topic.

Fifthly, for a woman in such a scenario, she needs to be open and honest with the husband without hurting his feelings or offending his manhood. As telling a man he cannot satisfy his wife sexually could be seen as an insult to his manhood. So its a delicate topic which needs to be addressed with wisdom. There is quality and there is quantity. Telling a man his quality is not of a high standard will no doubt be an insult to his manhood, but f however its just about increasing the quantity (rather than the quality) then its not really an insult on his manhood. But still a wife needs to approach the topic with wisdom. In the meantime however, she needs to fast, as advised to us by our teacher (saw).

Sixthly, when speaking to the husband, its best not to mention the “sins” which she has fallen into, but rather just ask for an increase in the quantity (if the above mentioned “techniques” in point 2 don’t work), if that does not work then she can speak to him about how she wants an increase in the quantity, if still this does not work, then she can speak about how she “may” fall into sin, but do not throw the whole baggage on him in the first “conversation” as he may not know this is having an ill effect on the wife.

Hope this has answered your q iA…

Wassalaamu ‘alaykum

 

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2 thoughts on “Advice for sisters with unsatisfying intimacy in their marriage

  1. And if I can just add; even if such a sister is in such a situation where the husband is seriously lacking in quantity and/or quality, then we remind the sister of those less fortunate than her. From the prophetic advice is for us to look at those less fortunate than ourselves. And a sister in such a situation needs to contemplate about those who are not married, or even worse those who are divorced (as they have experienced it and have a stronger urge for it, yet do not have any halal avenue for release). So she should praise Allaah for at least having a halal avenue and release, even if it is not that good, but something is better than nothing. There are many sisters who get divorced at a young age, who have a strong urge yet no halal avenue. At least the sister in the situation you described has something (even though its not much).

    Yes such a sister (in the situation you described) *may* get more stressed as the halal is in front of her yet she is not allowed it. And how sad that she dies of thirst when water is in front of her. Sad indeed.

    But know that no one is living a perfect life. The single’s are stressed because they have no halal avenue, the divorced get stressed because they have a stronger urge yet no halal avenue whatsoever, and the married get stressed because of a lack of quality and/or quantity… or because the halal is there for them yet they are being deprived of it. It may be argued that the married person who is lacking quality and/or quantity is the worst off, and this may be true, yet still try to think of those in other situations and iA this will ease the stress iA.

    Another thing I wanted to add is that, although such and such technique may be effective in seducing the husband and bringing him down, such techniques, when used over and over again, without no other technique used, will lose its effectiveness. A strawberry cake is delicious, but if a person has a strawberry cake everyday, they will become bored of it. So a sister needs to use a variety of techniques and realise that using the same technique again and again will cause boredom.

    Sorry for being a little open, but Allaah is not shy of the truth.

    Will add something more if/when something comes to mind iA.

    Wassalaamu ‘alaykum

    – Addition by TheAuthenticBase

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