Stuff I write

PAIN

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Pay Attention Inward Now

I fully comprehend my mistake now. I thought it was okay to ignore myself and I actually thought it was natural.

I separated between my mind, heart and soul. They were not in sync. I separated them and that is why I suffered.

I didn’t allow myself to feel the feelings I was feeling. I didn’t allow myself to feel. I numbed everything through anger. Resentment.

The chaos inside expressed itself outwardly. I threw things and broke them. I have holes in the wall to remind me of what I had become.

For 1460 days, I ignored myself and put someone else’s life ahead of mine. I overshadowed my own life. I allowed it.

A couple months back, I started gaining depth. I began to uderstand my state of being.

I felt disappointment, resentment, hurt, inadequate, anger at myself, I felt stupid.

Before that, I didn’t understand what I was going through. Hence, I was like a dead fish going wherever the current took me. Because I was so confused, I expressed it outwardly.

I respected him and disrespected him. I was nice and then I was cold. I was sweet and then I was too sharp. I was patient and then I was impatient. I was okay and then I wasn’t. Somedays I woke up all fine and somedays I just wanted to stay in bed and not wake up. Somedays I was just stuck. I was confused.

Today I listened to Iyanla and now I fully understand. It was PAIN. And I never paid attention.

Pay Attention Inward Now

I delayed paying attention, that’s why I suffered.

– – –

I am healing. Very slowly. It didn’t happen overnight. Unfortunately my story is not one of those hopeful and energetic “Today is the day” kind.

I am being easy on myself. Not pushing, not pulling. Just taking it at my pace.

I am being true to myself and everyone around me. I am accepting my past and me for who I am and I am working on being me. The best of me.

I have a clear vision. And that’s what I’m taking steps towards.

 

D.

 

 

 

 

 

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